I know that I am a bit behind. My schedule has changed drastically since the beginning of this week, and I have finally found some time to sit at a computer and type. For day three were were to select a word from a list that spoke to us in some ways. The words that we got to choose from were: Treasure, Regret, Home, Love, Uncertainty, and Secret.
The word I have chosen for this prompt is Uncertainty. I don’t know why, but the word spoke out to me in volumes. I wanted to write a poem using all the words, but for some reason, this word was in my head, and I was not able to get it out of my mind. I am hoping that if I write my thoughts on this word, I can finally move on and focus on other things.
It might just be that time in my life. I am 26 years old, and I am uncertain as to what the future will hold for me. Uncertain, as to what will happen the next week or even the next day. Uncertain about the things, times, events, places, and people in my life. I am at a crossroads, and I have been here for too long. Scared to move, uncertain of the secrets and the future regrets that might happen. I know it sounds stupid, but in my mind, it feels as though I cannot make a mistake. That fear as to what doors I could possibly close, and how they will affect me later on. In addition, to door closing, what doors will I open, and will it be good?
I know that this uncertainty is affecting me now. I am suffering from anxiety and just thinking about the word is bringing my anxiety levels up. It is bringing forth the fear that I will have for the next few months and the following year as the uncertainty of health care and bills loom over my head. It does not help that I am working three jobs and I barely make it month to month. As more uncertainty takes over my life, I long for and wish for the days in which it didn’t. I could care less if I end up back in elementary school, I miss the consistency and the confidence that I once had. Or to just crawl up into a ball and forget that the world doesn’t even exist.
At last, I cannot do either of those things. And it is the world of uncertainty that we must live in. The uncertainty of who to vote and what will happen in the future with all my voting. The uncertainty of bills and medical insurance. the uncertainty of my schedule for the following week or even for the rest of this week. The uncertainty of what will happen next as I travel from one location to the next, wondering if I will be paid, if students will show up.
As I am here writing about my fears and uncertainty, I am texting a friend who also suffers from anxiety. She has recently just switched jobs and is getting use to and learning about a new school, staff, and students. It is good to see that everything is working out for her. She is happy, and calm, and thrilled about what the next day will bring her. The most recent text that she just sent me was “All things work out in life, given time.” It is fitting that she sent me this text, not knowing about what I am writing, or about my blog. But it calmed me down and gave me comfort. It helped me realized that in the end, no matter which path I choose, which door I decide to open or close, in the end, everything will all work out, and everything will be alright. I have my support team, that is all I need.
I do hope that everything is working out for you, and that your uncertainties are not upsetting and/or overwhelming you. You will find your adventures and your place in the world. I will talk to you soon. Happy reading!